Why do stepmums get jealous and insecure is a complex topic that is often overlooked in the stepfamily dynamics. While the role of a stepmom is filled with love and dedication, it can also be a source of significant emotional challenges.
One of the things I see stepmums struggle with over and over is feeling jealous and insecure when it comes to the ex. We know in our heads it doesn’t make sense. We know in our hearts our partners love us. We know that our partner chose us day after day, but still…the tiny voice in our heads whispers terribly painful things that make us feel crazy and insecure.
It’s not attractive to feel insecure or jealous. We are ashamed for even having these feelings. Secure, confident women don’t feel like that! Women who are loved and secure in their relationships shouldn’t feel like that! I say it’s nonsense. I have seen some of the most secure, confident, successful women I know brought to their knees by their feelings around not being enough in their stepmother roles.
Only in a stepfamily are you expected to interact on a regular basis with someone your partner has been deeply intimate with. Not only are you expected to interact, but you’re also expected to feel ok about it, and ignore how uncomfortable it makes you feel. If you don’t – there is something wrong with you! You are jealous, or insecure, or lacking something in your relationship. Newsflash – almost no one wants to be hanging out, making nice, and swapping recipes with the person your partner used to love and want to make babies with.
It’s also congruent to feel off-balance when we are faced with or reminded of the experiences our partner and his ex share, experiences that we are not a part of. It’s hard to see there is a wealth of shared experiences, often involving the child we love, that exclude us. That doesn’t make us jealous or insecure, it just means we find reminders of the shared experience challenging and uncomfortable. These feelings will pass more and more as our wealth of shared experiences build.
You’re not weak or silly for feeling unsettled in your relationship when your partner’s past is so present in your home and family.
Why Do Stepmums Get Jealous and Insecure: Understanding the Complexities of Stepfamilies
Sometimes our responses to situations are not congruent; things like feeling unloved or unworthy because of an event or conversation. If we unpack that experience, we see this single moment or incident does not invalidate the myriad of experiences we have that show us we are loved and valued. We can lose sight of that in moments of being off-balance, so it’s our job to look at whether our feelings are congruent with what happened.
We need to know we will be tipped off balance from time to time, it’s life. No matter how zen or woke we are, life will come along and tip us off balance, usually when we least expect it. Being off-balance actually has a very important purpose, it is a learning opportunity. It’s an invitation to unpack more of our baggage, to examine our responses and insecurities.
It’s ok to tell our partner we are not feeling solid. It’s ok to say – I’m feeling wobbly, I need you to take some time to connect with me to help me feel ok. Telling your partner you are feeling insecure and jealous can immediately put them on the defensive. They can feel as if they are doing something wrong, that they are not making you feel loved enough or secure enough.
Ironically, this feeling of being wrong can have the exact opposite effect of what we need. S/He retreats, not knowing how to make us feel better. We feel rejected, and even more insecure. We double down on our ‘I’m feeling insecure I need you to show me how much you love me…’ and round and round the merry-go-round goes. Except no one is feeling very merry.
Finding ways to let our partners know all is not right in our world, without them feeling shamed or blamed is key. Telling them we are feeling off balance or wobbly is a softer way to let them know we need connection. I tell my husband I need pats. It’s a running joke in our house, that started with one of his cats. He knows when I say I need pats, I’m feeling I need some coddling, I need to know he is there and he has my back. Creating a phrase that conveys this to our partner can be a great way to avoid falling down the neediness rabbit hole that ends up pushing our men away.
You’re not weak or silly for feeling unsettled in your relationship when your partner’s past is so present in your home and family. It’s not weird to feel grossed out by anything that suggests previous intimacy. It’s not wrong to feel sad that our first experience of having a child with our partner is not their first experience. What is important to realize is that for them, it is a first. It is a first with you. The experiences they had with their ex will fade, and their focus will increasingly become more about you and the family you are creating together, a family that will include their children from another relationship.
So it’s ok to feel those feelings. Just don’t get stuck there, seek out a connection in a way that your partner can respond positively to. This stepmum gig is not an easy one. Hang in there and know you are not alone in feeling jealous and insecure from time to time.
Nurturing Your Well-being: Strategies for the Stepmother
Feeling jealous or insecure as a stepmother is a common experience, often accompanied by feelings of isolation and self-doubt.
Here are some strategies to help you navigate these emotions and foster a healthier, happier stepfamily life:
- Open Dialogue: Honest communication with your partner and stepchildren is essential. Share your feelings openly, creating a safe space for understanding and support.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that nourish your soul. Whether it’s reading, exercising, or spending time in nature, self-care is crucial for maintaining emotional balance.
- Build a Support Network: Connect with other stepmothers or join support groups to share experiences and gain valuable insights.
- Celebrate Your Strengths: Recognize and appreciate your unique qualities and contributions to the family. Focus on your strengths to build confidence.
- Practice Gratitude: Cultivating a sense of gratitude can shift your perspective and reduce feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
- Seek Professional Help: If emotions become overwhelming, consider consulting a therapist or counselor for guidance and support.
Remember, it’s okay to feel a range of emotions. By implementing these strategies, you can better manage challenges and create a fulfilling stepfamily experience.