Your stepchildren’s behavior can be a challenging aspect of stepparenting. It’s important to remember that inadequate behavior often arises from underlying emotions such as fear, confusion, or anger.
Being a parent is hard. Personally, it’s one of the hardest jobs I’ve ever had. But I think being a stepparent is even harder.
Parenting is undeniably challenging, but the role of a stepparent often presents a unique set of complexities. Research consistently highlights the strain stepfamily dynamics can place on relationships, with stepparent-stepchild tensions ranking among the most common issues.
Unlike biological parents who share a pre-existing bond, stepparents embark on a relationship built from scratch, facing potential hurdles like resistance, rejection, and the pressure to fulfill an idealized “bonus mom” role. It’s essential to acknowledge that these challenges are real and that feeling overwhelmed or resentful is not uncommon.
Many women describe the struggle to connect positively with their stepchildren. The innate bond between biological mothers and children is often cited as a stark contrast to the stepparent experience. While the ability to form a strong connection with stepchildren can be incredibly rewarding, it can also be elusive. Some women feel marginalized or excluded within the existing family structure, leading to feelings of isolation and diminished self-worth.
It’s important to understand that experiencing a range of emotions, including frustration and even resentment, is a normal part of the stepparenting journey. These feelings are often accompanied by guilt and self-doubt, as societal expectations place significant pressure on stepparents to be unconditionally loving and nurturing. However, it’s crucial to remember that self-care and maintaining healthy boundaries are essential for well-being.
Is It Ok to Have These Feelings?
It’s always ok to have any feelings, as they are there for a reason – to give you information. Because there is more going on. Much more. So get it off your chest…Denying they exist will cause MORE problems. If you understand what’s underneath their behaviors, you’ll find compassion, knowing not to take it personally.
How to Deal with Your Stepchildren’s Behavior
Dealing with your stepchildren’s behavior can be incredibly frustrating, often leading to feelings of resentment and burnout. It’s easy to take their actions personally and let their attitude dictate your emotional state. However, understanding that their behavior is often a reflection of their own struggles, rather than a personal attack, is the first step towards finding peace and building a healthier relationship.
Here are Some Things that Might Help Shift that Perspective and Help You Separate the Deed from the Doer
First, your stepkids have been influenced from birth by other people whose values, morals, and opinions of how children should be raised may look very different from yours!
Most parents raise their children in much the same way as how they were raised. “It’s how I was raised, and I turned out ok”. For first time families, this can take some negotiation if parenting styles are different. It’s compromise and conversation. But for stepmoms, those rules of engagement for handling behaviors were created by other people for very personal reasons long before you came into the picture.
Then these rules of engagement are often confusing for the stepmom because they are “just the way things are done because they’ve always been done that way”. And those rules have likely “worked” for them, so why change that? But they may not necessarily work for you. Because in the earlier stages of your new family, you haven’t yet earned that right. It takes time to earn the right to discipline a child. Both from the parent’s perspective (sometimes especially the bio mom) AND the child.
Factors such as grief and guilt can contribute to your stepchild’s negative behavior.
But those loathsome behaviors like the lazy, whiny, annoying, manipulative, revengeful behaviors that often lead to power struggles are behaviors with a purpose. Their behaviors gave them what they wanted, so they become reinforced and part of a pattern-like a choreographed dance. These are the Goals of Misbehavior as described by Rudolf Dreikurs. It’s an old book, but puts things in a clearer perspective.
Another potential contributor to those behaviors is after the divorce, the stepkids are being raised separately by newly single parents who are going through their own grief and loss. There are no consistencies and routines or structure. It may be pure survival mode for both their biomom and your spouse following that separation. Part of this might be Daddy Guilt (see previous article) when Disney Dad appears, and it’s hard to put him away because Daddy gets some pleasure (or guilt relief) from indulging. Again, he may believe if it’s not broke, don’t fix it!
I’ve also posted about your stepkids experiencing grief and loss because of the divorce or separation of their parents. Experiencing loss and how they process grief can impact their behaviors significantly as well. Check out that blog for further details, The Impact of Divorce: Grief and Loss in Stepchildren.
Another piece of the behavior puzzle can also be loyalty binds. Loyalty binds are horrible situations where your stepkids are locked (either overtly or passively) in a battle between liking you and then betraying their mother in the process. This betrayal is a seed planted by their mom. So they are then put in a no-win situation (both you AND them) where mom makes them decide “her or me”. It may go so far as reporting back to their mom everything you do or say, and in particular every mistake you make. You feel like you’re being spied on and therefore don’t feel safe in your own home.
So these are just a few clues as to the underlying unmet needs that are likely contributing to those behaviors you detest in your stepkids. The truth is that kids are a product of their genes and their environment. Stepmoms have no influence on the first point and may have very little influence on the second. And until you have earned that position of authority over time and dad has given you the authority to parent his children, all a stepmom can do is take a step back to manage her health and well being.
If that is all you can do, do it well. Once you are well rested and your emotional tank is fuller, the behavior is easier to tolerate. This way, it’s much easier to separate the deeds from the doer.
Building a Positive Connection
Focusing on building a positive relationship with your stepchild can help mitigate the impact of their challenging behavior.
- Quality Time: Spend quality one-on-one time with your stepchild. This can help strengthen your bond and create a foundation for open communication.
- Positive Reinforcement: Acknowledge and appreciate their positive behaviors. This reinforces desired actions and encourages repetition.
- Setting Boundaries: Establish clear and consistent boundaries. This provides a sense of structure and helps prevent power struggles.
- Support System: Build a support network with other stepparents or friends who understand your challenges.
- Self-Care: Prioritize activities that help you relax and recharge, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time in nature.
- Professional Help: If the stress becomes overwhelming, consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist or counselor.
Remember, every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Be patient, persistent, and kind to yourself. By shifting your perspective and implementing these strategies, you can create a more harmonious and fulfilling stepfamily dynamic.